There was a man who entered a local paper pun contest. He sent in ten different puns in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
I thought I’d tell you a brilliant
time-travel joke, but you didn’t like it.
Tip of the day: If you’re scared of lifts, take steps to avoid them.
I just wrote a book on reverse psychology.
Do *not* read it.
My friend said to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
I said, “No it doesn’t.”
On New Year’s Eve, just before the clock strikes midnight, make sure you raise your left leg. That way you’ll start the new year on the right foot.
As I expected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.
Dogs can’t operate MRI scanners, but
Did you know that it takes three sheep to make one sweater? Amazing, I didn’t even know they could knit.
Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s holding me back.
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over.
I said to my girlfriend, “Please pass me the newspaper.” She said, “Don’t be silly, you can borrow my ipad.” That spider never knew what hit it.
My boss told me to have a good day.
So I went home.
What I if told you
You read the top line wrong?
A doctor walked in to find a patient sitting there with carrots sticking out of his nose and broccoli coming out of his ears.
He took one look at him and said, “I
can tell you straight away that you’re not eating properly.”
I hate it when I’m singing along to a song and the artist gets the lyrics wrong.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised.
If you drop a bar of soap, is the soap dirty, or is the floor clean?
Excerpt taken from The Awesome Little Pocket Book of Hilarious Jokes
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